Why Your Friend with Depression Might Cancel Plans

You’ve likely seen the memes about the joy of canceled plans. Even if you’re an extrovert, you’ve probably had days so full of to-dos that you felt relieved when a friend bailed on dinner plans. Some days, you barely have time to brush your teeth, let alone make space to hang out with a friend.

However, when a person has depression, on top of all those daily responsibilities, they also may

• Have difficulty sleeping or are sleeping too much
• Feel tired or fatigued
• Feel hopeless
• Have low self-esteem
• Lose interest in activities they used to enjoy, or
• Experience a number of other symptoms

Symptoms of depression can make it harder to make and keep plans. Here are some other reasons your friend with depression might cancel plans.

They also have anxiety

Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. According to Healthline.com, “The NIMH estimates that 21 million adults, or 8.3% of all adults in the United States, had at least one episode of major depression in 2021.” The Anxiety & Depression Association of America states, “Nearly one-half of those diagnosed with depression are also diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.” So, about 10.5 million adults with depression also have anxiety. Psychology Today states, “A growing number of researchers and mental health professionals are coming around to the point of view that anxiety and depression, if not the same disorder, are often different sides of the same coin.” In other words, anxiety and depression have a lot of overlapping symptoms, physical characteristics and can often be treated similarly.

So, on top of the depression your friend is already experiencing, they may also be managing anxiety. People often experience anxiety around social functions or attending unfamiliar events or locations. Anxiety can also cause cognitive distortions.

“Cognitive distortions can include ‘all-or-nothing thinking,’ which means thinking in extremes. So, if you don’t clean your house from top to bottom, you’re a failure, and you can’t possibly go out and do something fun. Understandably, this kind of thinking can amp up anxiety, and it can make it harder for your friend to keep plans,” says Angie Buell, Fraser clinical social worker and mental health professional.

So, your friend may cancel plans because they’re engaging in all-or-nothing thinking, or because they’re just feeling anxious about leaving their house.

Depression makes it hard to do anything

Depression can feel like a physical weight pressing down on you. It can make it hard to sleep, or you may find yourself sleeping an entire day away. You can feel trapped and unable to do simple things, like take a shower, wash the dishes or respond to a text. It can also make it incredibly hard to make and keep plans, particularly because the thought of pretending to be anything other than depressed is overwhelming.

“Depression can make it feel like you don’t have enough energy to leave the house. It seems like an effort to get dressed, find your keys and then plan your route to where you’re going,” says Buell.

They’re feeling burned out

It’s easy to feel burned out or overcommitted these days. Psychology Today states, “The World Health Organization recently recognized burnout as a discrete syndrome, though not a medical diagnosis, stemming from ‘problems associated with employment or unemployment,’ and therefore exclusively work-related, although burnout is useful for understanding strain in situations like parenting and caring for an ailing loved one as well.” Burnout occurs when a person is overcommitted in their work or personal life, or both.

But is there really a difference between burnout and depression? A 2020 study of 3,113 employed individuals “found that not only did burnout correlate strongly with clinical depression, but that individual burnout factors correlated better with depression symptoms than with one another.” In other words, what is sometimes called burnout might actually be depression. Regardless, if your friend is feeling overcommitted or like they don’t have enough down time, they may cancel plans to give themselves some time to recharge. Also, some people just need more time to rest and spend time alone.

They also have autism and/or sensory processing differences

Depression is also a common co-occurring diagnosis for people with autism. Autistic people often have a hard time with social skills, and they may also have sensory processing differences. Sensory processing differences can cause individuals to feel extreme discomfort to loud noises, bright lights, strong smells, crowds and other stimuli. This makes outings particularly hard, especially going to unfamiliar spaces or events.

“Your friend may wonder if the restaurant will be too loud or too crowded or if they’ll like the food. They could be worried about the chairs since people with sensory differences have difficulty with certain fabrics or textures,” says Buell. “All of that, on top of depression, can make it almost impossible not to cancel plans.”

But there are ways you can support your friend with depression.

Notice a pattern

If you notice that your friend is continually canceling plans, they might be depressed and are isolating themselves. Isolation can make depression worse, so it’s important to continue to reach out to them. Ask to come hang out at their place or offer to pick them up to go out.

“For some people, leaving home is the hard part. So, if you offer to pick them up, you’re supporting them and helping them get over that hump,” says Buell.  

It’s also important to demonstrate your understanding by continuing to invite them to events and get-togethers.

Keep reaching out

People who are experiencing depression tend to isolate themselves. Even if you can’t get your friend to meet up for an outing, keep checking in with them. Even texting “hey,” a silly meme or a link to a video expresses that you’re thinking about them, and you care. This can mean a lot to a person struggling with feelings of worthlessness and guilt.

Educate yourself

If you don’t understand much about depression, research the symptoms, signs and causes. Your friend may not feel up to explaining what they’re experiencing. You can also tell them that if they want to talk, you’re here to listen. You may also want to ask your friend if speaking to a mental health therapist would be helpful.